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“Thus the ouroboros of irony was complete. The anti-woke had become the super-woke, demanding inclusion and recognition in spaces they once sought to dismantle.”
As I prepare for the inevitable suppression of my decoy book, "The Lies My 'Loverboy' Told Me" (update: called it!) and what can only be described as both an "I told you so" cosmic joke and a societal paradox, the Manosphere, alt-right, and broader "patriotic" conservative factions, long the vehement opponents of the so-called "woke agenda," have decided to don the very mantle of wokeness they once abhorred.
Buckle up, dolls and dudes, as we take you on a rollercoaster of logic loops, where the champions of tradition and status quo have formed an unlikely coalition called "Wokegate." [Waits for the beat to drop for the Wokequake™]
For years, the alt-right and their conservative brethren decried the evils of "forced" diversity, equity, and inclusion. They lamented that political correctness was eroding the fabric of society, that we needed to 'save the children', that safe spaces were breeding grounds for weakness, and that cultural sensitivity was suffocating "free speech". Their battle cry echoed through the digital corridors of Gamergate—a male-led "movement" that began with alleged concerns over "ethics in video game journalism" [cough]bullshit[cough] but quickly morphed into a crusade against the progressive left and women in gaming.
Fast forward to 2024, and a curious transformation has emerged. The conservatives, sensing an existential threat to their omnipresence in every facet of society, have re-branded themselves and 'newspeaked' as the new warriors of social justice. Where once they emblazoned "Make America Great Again" on their banners, they now march under slogans like "Include Us or Else." How did this miraculous shift occur, you ask?
It began in the most unlikely of places: a Twitter—sorry, "X"—thread where a conservative commentator lamented that conservative voices were being marginalized in the media, tech, and academia. "Why," he pondered publicly, "aren't we being given equal opportunities? Why isn't diversity extended to include conservative thought?"
Like a beacon in the dark, this tweet illuminated a path forward. Suddenly, the champions of anti-wokeness realized that if they could position themselves as a persecuted, marginalized group, they could leverage the same tools they had once dismissed. They could demand representation, they could demand equity, and they could demand a quota in every institution. The brains behind Wokegate sprang into action, drafting a manifesto that will go down in the annals of irony.
"We demand representation in Hollywood, in universities, in tech companies," it stated. "We demand safe spaces where conservative ideas are respected and not ridiculed. We demand that colleges start conservatively inclusive programs to foster political diversity on campuses."—Project 2025, probably.
Famed conservative pundits took to the airwaves with a rallying cry. "Why aren't there more conservative characters in movies?" they asked. "Where are the conservative professors in our universities?" These demands, wrapped in the language of inclusivity, quickly met with liberal skepticism and confusion. "Are...are they serious?" one bewildered journalist asked.
Indeed, they were.
The irony intensified as conservative activists began attending diversity training seminars and inclusion workshops, claiming they, too, needed protection from micro-aggressions. They familiarized themselves with terms like "allyship" and "intersectionality" but with a twist—the intersections they championed included capitalism, gun rights, and traditional family values.
At tech conferences, conservative speakers demanded that their panel sessions on "The Importance of Traditional Values in Modern Innovation" be given prime slots. When faced with resistance, they cried foul and claimed their "free speech" was being compromised in a glorious public display of mental gymnastics worthy of a gold medal. The tech world, renowned for its progressive slant, found itself in a quandary. Should they deny these requests and be labeled hypocrites, or acquiesce and watch the alt-right occupy center stage?
What started as satire evolved into a living, breathing beast of hypocrisy. Conservative legal teams began drafting lawsuits, citing discrimination against conservative voices in hiring practices. They argued that universities without conservative faculty were violating their rights to "free speech". When corporations promoted LGBTQ+ pride, conservatives demanded "Conservative Pride Month," and "Save The Whites" complete with parades and themed merchandise. Hategate and Gamergate, originally a revolt against perceived liberal over-reach, had spawned its Draco: Wokegate—an endeavor to ensconce conservatism under the protective canopy of the very wokeness they despised.
As this satire unfolds, one can't help but marvel at the intricacies of socio-political dynamics, biases, and cognitive distortions. The irony serves as a vital reminder that in the dance of cultural power, today's laughter can quickly become tomorrow's headline (and that you should read more books).
