From Women Hate

To Gamergate

Do We Truly Strive for Progress?

Preface

In the journey of life we all must make, our beliefs and the people we meet often play defining roles in shaping who we are. My own journey of awakening began in my late teens and early twenties when I met someone who challenged my understanding of faith and self-identity—something I had deeply struggled with for reasons I will explain in my book/blog.

This is the story of how my world expanded beyond the strict Roman Catholic roots of my upbringing, primarily within Jesuit teachings. I will go into more detail about this later, as it led to profound self-discovery and one of my purposes: helping others online in support groups starting around 2013, primarily on Reddit. Although Reddit is now well known, when I joined during the site-wide blackout in January 2012, in protest of the Stop Online Piracy Act, it was still fairly niche.

Who are the Jesuits?

Dorian Llywelyn, President, Institute for Advanced Catholic Studies, USC Dornsife College of Letters, Arts and Sciences

https://theconversation.com/who-are-the-jesuits-177667

Growing up in a strict Roman Catholic environment, the idea of having any beliefs outside what I was taught was both foreign and technically forbidden. However, due to the rise of the internet and my entry into the online sphere around the age of eight while living in Hawaii, I became deeply fascinated by its potential. I had primarily communicated with my family on the mainland through paper letters, and ultimately, I received my own heavily monitored AOL email account.

According to my journals from that time, I used it to communicate with my mother, from whom I was separated. It wasn’t until I formed a deep bond with a friend who identified as a practitioner of the Occult that I began to see the world in a new light. Despite not understanding her beliefs initially, I was drawn to her kindness and authenticity. She never pushed her beliefs on me; instead, she embodied a spirituality that was inclusive and accepting.

Her presence planted a seed of curiosity in me—a quiet rebellion against the rigid confines of my upbringing. As I grew older, I realized how deeply conditioned I was by my multi-religious upbringing. I didn't like it, which led me to abandon my sense of self in search of something that would help me feel more at home in my corporeal shell. This, of course, caused another internal struggle that led to clashes with members of my family. However, they mostly remained neutral about my journey as long as I adhered to the rules of "the family."

By age 18, after moving out and discovering how utterly draining the world was, I began to unravel the layers of belief that had been forced upon me through introspection and the guidance of close friends, pastors, theologians, and mental health professionals. These sessions opened my eyes to the concept of trauma bonding and how religion had been used as a tool for abuse, control, and punishment in my life, rather than a source of love, encouragement, and spirituality.

With each revelation, I peeled back the layers of confusion and began to explore what my own beliefs truly were, untouched by the expectations and abuses of others. For the most part, I kept this journey private—not out of secrecy, but to avoid my family's highly critical views of anyone who did not share their beliefs. Any wrong slip-up put me at risk of being shunned, something I didn't want and was taught to fear as if my life depended on it.

As I later learned, the abuse of my fear response was a common occurrence in my family, whether they did it because of their own conditioning or not, I may never know. During this time of exploration, I stumbled upon Gnosticism—an ancient belief system centered around personal spiritual knowledge (gnosis) rather than orthodox teachings. The idea of seeking personal knowledge and wisdom resonated with my journey toward self-discovery and becoming better than I was, although I realized I was still defining what this meant for me.

My upbringing had taught me to hide my beliefs and the true self due to fear of punishment, resulting in what is now known as "autistic masking." At the time, I didn't know the term; I only understood it as a way my brain was designed to cope with everything my life entailed. Now, I was learning to embrace my beliefs as a core part of my identity.

While some might label people like me as "nerds" or "geeks," or use a plethora of other terms often perceived as derogatory—which had led to bullying in school and at home—I chose to own these labels. To me, they signified that I was a seeker of wisdom and knowledge. Additionally, I really enjoyed playing Magic: The Gathering, which fell firmly in the realm of do not do this because it's "evil" within my religious family. However, as most know, teen angst knows no bounds.

Shortly after graduating high school, I met a fellow "nerd," and I’m still with him to this day. He deserves his own chapter—actually, probably a whole book—given everything we’ve experienced together, but I’ll get to that later (for now, he's just the author of my foreword, which you can read here in case you missed it). He, like me, was a seeker of knowledge and wisdom, and though we had vastly different beliefs, we fell in love with our mutual quest to acquire as much knowledge and wisdom as humanly possible before we died.

At 28, my journey took another pivotal turn when I was "officially" diagnosed with autism. This diagnosis was both enlightening and liberating. It helped me understand features of my mind that were unique and how they had influenced my interactions with the world and my understanding of complex belief systems. It explained so much about my childhood—how I learned, how I communicated, and how nearly everything about me was "different" from the norm, or what is now commonly referred to as "neurodivergent."

To me, it was my normal, but to the outside world, I was often seen as "too difficult," which led to a lot of unnecessary self-isolation due to the constant criticism. With this new understanding, I was able to analyze my past and traumas through a different lens—one of not only not being the type of person to deserve the substantial abuse that my abusers had told me I deserved, but also to be proud of myself because despite these disabilities, I still haven't subjected anyone to anything close to what I've gone through, which in turn helps me feel empowered.

My focus then shifted from trying to mold myself to fit into the perceived "normal" boxes that others desperately needed me to occupy, to concentrating on myself—my path, my goals, my purpose—and finding my new "family" of people who truly loved me for who I was and what I could potentially become. The diagnosis provided me with the tools to comprehend my strengths and vulnerabilities, further aiding my quest to piece together the intricate mosaic of my beliefs and self-identity.

This journey ultimately led me to my chosen belief system—Stoicism—which I have been following since 2013.

What is Stoicism?

https://therealizedman.com/stoicism/

This journey of awakening has been challenging and painful, yet profoundly liberating. Meeting my friends from many different cultures and backgrounds, learning about their belief systems, and questioning my own beliefs have all helped in my understanding of not only my trauma, but also of others' trauma, and in learning about my autism. These experiences were significant milestones on my path to self-discovery. These insights were not nuggets of knowledge and wisdom I was born with or even acquired early in life. Each step has brought me closer to embracing the multi-faceted beliefs that truly represent who I am, freed from the chains of past conditioning and abuse. As I continue down this path, I remain open to learning and evolving, always seeking deeper understanding and connection with the world around me. My heart, though shattered many times, remains open. If you're on a similar journey of self-discovery, I encourage you to explore, seek knowledge, challenge conditioning, and embrace the complexities that make you uniquely you. If you're still here—welcome to my world! I hope you enjoy the wild ride. 🤘🏼😝